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BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR (TM) - Making the Hours of Your
Life Worth More (TM)
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Issue # 6 - Restoring Civility to Law Firm Relationships:
Effectively Managing Criticism
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ARTICLE SUMMARY: Fears of harsh and insensitively delivered
criticism preoccupy too many talented
attorneys, robbing them of the kind of
work focus necessary for success.
This article suggests ways to manage
harsh criticism. If you feel empowered
to respond effectively, you'll succeed
as a lawyer, and help to restore civility
to legal practice.
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Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., Editor
Ellen is the founder of LawyersLifeCoach.com (TM)
Personal and Career Coaching for Lawyers Determined
to Achieve Professional Success AND
a Fulfilling Life
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OUR PERSPECTIVE
Most attorneys - especially women -- live impossibly busy lives.
Finding a balance between work and life without sacrificing
professional success, deciding on the best practice area or
work setting, and making career transitions can be a daunting
task, even for the most gifted and accomplished lawyer.
Just as every person deserves the best possible legal
counsel, every attorney deserves professional, dedicated
support in accomplishing her most important goals.
You know how hard you've worked to get where you are --
you serve others, both personally and professionally.
You've earned the right to both career success and
a fulfilling life.
This newsletter is intended to help you create a
satisfying life -- within, or outside of -- legal practice.
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Restoring Civility to Law Firm Relationships: Effectively
Managing Criticism
"Being hurt by anger and criticism is not gender-specific.
Secretary of defense nominee Bobby Ray Inman withdrew
his nomination because he did not want to deal with what
he regarded as extreme and unfair attacks. This sparked
a new round of criticism of him for being too 'thin-
skinned.' In this connection, columnist Meg Greenfield
wrote that 'thin skin is the only kind of skin human
beings come with.' "
- Deborah Tannen. "Talking from 9 to 5-
Women and Men in the Workplace:
Language, Sex and Power." Avon Books,
1994. P.190.
Countless women attorneys have described to me their ongoing
concerns about being harshly criticized by angry partners --
not necessarily men -- in their firms. Some women were dressed
down, loudly and harshly, in front of other lawyers in the firm.
When I suggest that they respond by setting limits, they insist
that any statement of protest will be taken as confirmation that
they're "not tough enough" to be successful in the firm.
Not surprisingly, many of these women conclude that the only
way to protect themselves from verbal assault is to change
professions.
This belief creates a lose-lose situation for any
attorney who accepts it. If you tolerate verbal
abuse, it will undermine your confidence and distract
you from the work to which your gifts, passion and
training have led you. Tolerating this kind of
criticism doesn't demonstrate your toughness;
rather, it signals that you are afraid of responding,
leading your critic to believe that s/he can treat you
like that again.
As we all know, abusive criticism is ineffective.
Management literature abounds with evidence that recognition
of success encourages more success and that feelings of
powerlessness and humiliation interfere with productivity.
The fact is, standing up for yourself in the face of
unwarranted or inappropriately harsh criticism is
a sign that you are "tough enough." My own experience
and my conversations with successful women attorneys
suggest that a carefully planned approach to
this situation can be extremely effective.
You can learn to handle your "critics" with the
same kind of skill that makes you successful
in advocating for your clients. "Emotionally
intelligent" responses to verbal assaults can
increase the probability of your success in your
firm, and in legal practice in general.
Here are some suggestions about how to respond to
harsh, inappropriate, or ad hominem criticism:
1. FEELING HURT IS NOT A SIGN OF YOUR FAILURE
Try to take criticism less personally. That does not
mean it shouldn't hurt. Everyone feels humiliated
when she's treated disrespectfully. But don't
attribute this kind of criticism to your own failure.
Even if you made a mistake, no one deserves to be
treated unjustly.
Often, the attorneys who speak in a demeaning
manner may not even be aware of their style
or its impact. If you hear the criticism as malicious,
you'll feel hamstrung. Consider the possibility that
what you're hearing is the uncontrolled voice of an
overworked and stressed partner who has no idea how
he comes across.
Above all, don't buy into the idea that being hurt
means you're not "tough enough" or a good-enough
lawyer. All it means is that you're human.
2. WAIT FOR YOUR CRITIC TO COOL DOWN
Let the person criticizing you cool down before you
respond. Communicate your willingness to address
substantive issues, but use your "social radar"
to gauge the other person's readiness to resolve
the conflict. Sometimes the best you can say is,
"I can see you're upset. Let's meet tomorrow to
discuss this."
3. RESPOND TO THE COMPLAINT
Distinguish between the "what" and the "how" of the
criticism. If the complaint has merit, take
appropriate responsibility. But don't be
self-denegrating. Communicate your genuine regret about
any mistakes you made -- but keep them in perspective.
It's also important to communicate your desire to
learn and your need for training and mentoring.
Lawyers under pressure can have very unrealistic
expectations of less experienced attorneys. All
you can do is your best -- acknowledge your
limitations, and seek information and guidance from
mentors. You're less likely to make egregious errors
this way.
4. RESPOND TO HOW THE COMPLAINT WAS EXPRESSED
The "how" refers to the manner in which the
criticism is delivered. If the tone or wording
is inappropriate or disrespectful -- regardless
of its validity - then you need to address this.
First, try to assess your critic's mood and
receptiveness. Be sure you're calm enough to
show a willingness to work things out. Plan a
response that is diplomatic and tactful. Try to
reduce defensiveness with a softened "start up" --
thank the other person for his willingness to
discuss the issue. It's important to state your
concerns in neutral language and with a non-
argumentative tone.
You might say something like, "I know you were really
upset about...and I can understand that. I'm sure you
didn't intend to be hurtful, but I wonder if you
realize how demoralizing it can be to be on the
receiving end of your criticism when you're that upset.
I'd really like us to maintain a good working
relationship. Can we talk about other ways we can
handle problems when they come up?"
In my experience, this kind of response usually
meets with some embarrassment and regret. Move
on to something else quickly enough to allow
your "critic" to save face. If you've received
some kind of apology, and most likely you will,
then you've created a more respectful and equitable
relationship.
If your "critic" reacts defensively, then it's
probably time to talk to people in the firm with
whom you've forged alliances. If they justify
his behavior and criticize your reaction, you may
want to consider working elsewhere. Most likely,
other lawyers will want to support you. But don't
expect them to be openly critical of their colleagues.
They'll probably prefer to handle things behind the
scenes.
5. BE OPTIMISTIC AND CONFIDENT
It's easiest to practice self-advocacy when
you're optimistic and self-confident. By
optimism, I mean that you're able to generate
possible solutions to a problem, rather than
resigning yourself to helplessness. Colleagues,
mentors and coaches can help you generate solutions
when you're having difficulty doing so on your own.
Self-confidence comes from a clear recognition
of your talents, gifts and skills. Make a list
of all the assets you bring to your firm and
your profession and update this regularly.
If you're a young associate this might be
difficult. A coach can help you accomplish this.
Your confidence will increase each time you
successfully handle conflict. Avoidance, on
the other hand, is not confidence-building.
Doing something difficult and anxiety-producing
strengthens your ability to handle tough situations --
with your cases or with your colleagues.
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ARE YOU A LAWYER WITH CAREER SUCCESS AND LIFE BALANCE?
The legal field needs to hear your strategies. If you
are willing to share them, I'd love to hear from you.
You can send e-mail to Ellen@LawyersLifeCoach.com.
Lawyers Life Coach is dedicated to sharing practical
strategies that lawyers are already using --
from something as small as hiring a virtual assistant
to something as large as leaving the profession.
Of course, I will only share your strategies and any
identifying information with your permission.
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BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ is published monthly by
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., founder of LawyersLifeCoach.com.
She brings 20 years of experience assisting women
attorneys to her work in Lawyers Life Coach ™.
LawyersLifeCoach.com is a professional and personal
coaching firm specializing in working virtually (by
phone with email and fax backup) with women attorneys
interested in developing strategies to find greater
satisfaction in their careers within the law or
in exploring career alternatives for lawyers.
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D. established Lawyerslifecoach.com
to coach busy lawyers who might benefit from the
insights gained from 20 years as a psychologist
combined with her experience and familiarity with
the legal profession.
Ellen holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
from the University of Rochester and is a managing
member of Metropolitan Behavioral Health Care, LLC.,
a multispecialty, multidisciplinary psychotherapy
practice in Washington, D.C. and suburban Maryland.
She is a member of the International Coach Federation
and a graduate of the Mentor Coach Program ™.
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NOTE: BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ is intended
for informational and educational purposes only.
It is not a substitute for a personal consultation
with a mental health professional and should not
be construed as a form of, or substitute for,
counseling, psychotherapy, or other psychological
service.
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D.
LawyersLifeCoach.com
Phone: (301) 578-8686
email: Ellen@LawyersLifeCoach.com
Web: http://LawyersLifeCoach.com
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(c)Copyright 2000 Ellen Ostrow. All rights reserved.
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