*********************************************************
BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ - Making the Hours of Your
Life Worth More ™
*********************************************************
Issue # 11 - How to Say "No" Without Feeling Guilty
=========================================================
==========================================================
ARTICLE SUMMARY: The assumption that work should always
come first, and the pressure on women
attorneys to prove their commitment,
can make it difficult to set appropriate
boundaries around work. This issue offers
new ways to think about and respond to
law firm culture to ease the guilt that
often accompanies limit setting.
=========================================================
**********************************************************
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., Editor
Ellen is the founder of LawyersLifeCoach.com (TM)
Personal and Career Coaching for Lawyers Determined
to Achieve Professional Success AND
a Fulfilling Life
**********************************************************
OUR PERSPECTIVE
Most attorneys -- especially women -- live impossibly busy lives.
Finding a balance between work and life without sacrificing
professional success, deciding on the best practice area or
work setting, and making career transitions can be a daunting
task, even for the most gifted and accomplished lawyer.
Just as every person deserves the best possible legal
counsel, every attorney deserves professional, dedicated
support in accomplishing her most important goals.
You know how hard you've worked to get where you are --
you serve others, both personally and professionally.
You've earned the right to both career success and
a fulfilling life.
This newsletter is intended to help you create a
satisfying life -- within, or outside of -- legal practice.
**********************************************************
How to Say "No" Without Feeling Guilty
If you are going to let the fear of poverty govern
your life...your reward will be that you will eat, but
you will not live.
- George Bernard Shaw
One particular challenge I hear echoed in all my
Women's Bar Association telegroups is how difficult
it is to say "no" without feeling guilty, especially
when you refuse work in order to carve out time for
yourself. Many women attorneys can find ways to
meet work and family demands, but feel guilty if they
take any personal time for themselves.
When work and life are in conflict, every decision can
induce feelings of guilt. Working long hours can leave you
feeling guilty about neglecting your family; limiting
your working hours so you can spend time with your family can
make you feel guilty about shortchanging your clients and
colleagues.
But the guilt you may feel when making these choices pales
in comparison to what you can experience if you decide to
devote time to your own personal needs. For most women
lawyers reason that if they are fulfilling their obligations
to family or work, then they are still being "responsible."
But your own personal needs do not seem like the same
kind of responsibility. Even scheduling a medical
appointment becomes problematic. If someone at work objects
to your being out of the office, you'll probably find a
way to cancel it.
As an attorney, you value doing "the right thing" and doing
it well. You tend to be very unforgiving if you fail to
meet your own expectations. You don't need anyone else
to make you feel guilty - you can probably do an excellent
job all by yourself.
As Joan Williams elucidates in her powerful book,
"Unbending Gender: Why Work and Family Conflict and
What To Do About It," (1) our culture's separation
of family work and market work leaves professional
women torn between two worlds of competing expectations
and inconsistent roles. And since family work is
by and large still women's work, women learn to
think of themselves as selfish when they take time for
themselves.
It's important to see that women lawyers assume a burden
most of their male counterparts are spared. All
attorneys may hold themselves to the highest
professional standards and may have difficulty giving
priority to other aspects of their life besides work -
even for brief amounts of time. But only women
lawyers feel an equal responsibility for the care of
their families. In fact, women are socialized to
place the needs of others above their own and are labeled
as selfish when they attend to their own personal needs.
Here is a list of strategies to make it easier to say
"no" at work in order to have guilt-free time for yourself:
1. Try asking yourself why the other person's need
or request is necessarily more important than your
own. Since women are socialized to devalue their own
needs, your automatic reaction may be to defer. But
your first, automatic thought need not be your last.
Remind yourself that you, too, are entitled to take
care of yourself.
2. Realistically evaluate the outcome of your choice.
What is the worst thing that might happen if you
say "no?" How likely is that to happen? What
could you do if it did?
3. Consider what will happen if you don't take care of
yourself, in the short-and long-term. It's particularly
easy for women lawyers to neglect regular exercise,
medical appointments, and other necessities that are
crucial for their own well-being.
In the long run, self-neglect usually renders you
incapable of fulfilling your responsibilities to others.
4. Suppose you were in an accident and couldn't work at all.
How would your colleagues and clients cope? This exercise
helps remind you of the fact that no one is indispensable.
It's not that you're not valuable - you are. But it is
true that they'd get along without you if it was impossible
for you to be there. Try thinking of the time you take for
yourself as time when it's impossible for you to be working.
5. Keep in mind that people who know you know how to
manipulate you with guilt, even if they do so
unintentionally. And each time you've said "yes"
instead of "no" you've reinforced them. That is,
they know that they can get what they want if they
look at you with disappointment or remind you of how
you're inconveniencing them.
To break this pattern, you have to say "no" when you
need to and mean it. Consistency is key. In time,
they'll change the way they approach you.
6. Remind yourself of the gender unfairness inherent in our
society and in the legal profession. The people who initially
defined being a good lawyer as always putting work first
usually had wives at home to take care of their families.
Although increasing numbers of women have entered the
profession, the definition of "ideal worker" (1) has still
not changed.
7. Don't tell your colleague or client that you can't
give them what they want right now because you need
personal time. You don't need to explain. Remember
that lawyers are always putting off clients to address
the needs of other clients. Instead of focusing on
what you can't do right now, tell the person making
the request when you will be able to give your attention
to the matter at hand.
8. Practice tolerating guilt. It's normal to feel guilt
when our needs are in conflict with the needs of those
about whom we care. It's unavoidable - unless you
want your life to be entirely dictated by the needs
of others. So practice saying "no" and living with
the feeling for a while. You'll probably notice
that it gradually subsides. And after a while, you'll
be able to remind yourself that the uncomfortable
feeling will pass and the consequences won't be
catastrophic.
9. Build a back-up system. Forge alliances with colleagues
and maintain good relationships with support staff.
When you need to take time for yourself, ask these
people to cover for you and offer to reciprocate.
10.Provide excellent client service. Clients will be able
to tolerate the occasional "no" if you let them know that
you are genuinely concerned about their welfare, keep
them fully informed, stay in touch with them regularly and
give them your full attention when you meet with them.
Note:
1. Williams, Joan (2000). "Unbending Gender: Why Work
and Family Conflict and What To Do About It."
New York: Oxford University Press.
**********************************************************
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: A brief phone call is all you need
now to find out more about Ellen's
coaching. Call 212-461-2749 and
hear Ellen interviewed by a woman
lawyer and forensic psychologist.
You can learn about Ellen's coaching
practice and get a sense for what
virtual coaching is like, just
by listening to the recorded
interview. This is available 24
hours/day, seven days/week.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ is published monthly by
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., founder of LawyersLifeCoach.com.
She brings 20 years of experience assisting women
attorneys to her work in Lawyers Life Coach ™.
LawyersLifeCoach.com is a professional and personal
coaching firm specializing in working virtually (by
phone with email and fax backup) with women attorneys
interested in developing strategies to find greater
satisfaction in their careers within the law or
in exploring career alternatives for lawyers.
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D. established Lawyerslifecoach.com
to coach busy lawyers who might benefit from the
insights gained from 20 years as a psychologist
combined with her experience and familiarity with
the legal profession.
Ellen holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
from the University of Rochester and is a managing
member of Metropolitan Behavioral Health Care, LLC.,
a multispecialty, multidisciplinary psychotherapy
practice in Washington, D.C. and suburban Maryland.
She is a member of the International Coach Federation
and a graduate of the Mentor Coach Program ™.
**********************************************************
NOTE: BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ is intended
for informational and educational purposes only.
It is not a substitute for a personal consultation
with a mental health professional and should not
be construed as a form of, or substitute for,
counseling, psychotherapy, or other psychological
service.
**********************************************************
SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION
For a FREE subscription to BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™
sign up at:
http://LawyersLifeCoach.com
or send an email to:
billablehour-request@LawyersLifeCoach.com
with the word subscribe in the body of the letter.
***********************************************************
CONTACT INFORMATION
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D.
LawyersLifeCoach.com
Phone: (301) 578-8686
email: Ellen@LawyersLifeCoach.com
Web: http://LawyersLifeCoach.com
**********************************************************
(c)Copyright 2000 Ellen Ostrow. All rights reserved.
Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted
but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you
wish as long as not a single word is changed, added
or deleted, including the contact information.
However, you may not copy it to a web site.
Reprint permission will be freely granted upon request.
Advance written permission must be obtained for any
reprinting of this material in modified or altered form.
**********************************************************
Please forward this issue to your friends, colleagues
and family if you think they might be interested in it.
They can get their own FREE subscription by signing up at:
http://LawyersLifeCoach.com
Sidereal Designs