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BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ - Making the Hours of Your
Life Worth More ™
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Issue # 20 - EMPATHY: The Essential Skill for
Professional Success
(And a Fulfilling Life)
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To subscribe to "Beyond the Billable Hour" ™ go to
http://LawyersLifeCoach.com
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INDEX: 1. WELCOME NEW SUBSCRIBERS
2. "EMPATHY: The Essential Skill for
Professional Success (And a Fulfilling
Life)"
3. New Coaching Groups Forming:
*** Women Partners - Strategic Planning for Your
Career and Your Life
*** Corporate Counsel - Balancing Work and Life
*** Marketing for Women Lawyers
*** Mid-Level Associates - What's Next?
*** Develop Your Essential Empathy Skills
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ARTICLE SUMMARY: Self-awareness, self-management and
empathy skills are defined. The
effective use of these abilities in your
dealings with clients and colleagues
can make the difference between being
a competent attorney and achieving
extraordinary success.
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Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., Editor
Ellen is the founder of LawyersLifeCoach.com ™
Personal and Career Coaching for Lawyers Determined
to Achieve Professional Success AND
a Fulfilling Life
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OUR PERSPECTIVE
Most attorneys -- especially women -- live impossibly busy lives.
Finding a balance between work and life without sacrificing
professional success, deciding on the best practice area or
work setting, and making career transitions can be a daunting
task, even for the most gifted and accomplished lawyer.
Just as every person deserves the best possible legal
counsel, every attorney deserves professional, dedicated
support in accomplishing her most important goals.
You know how hard you've worked to get where you are --
you serve others, both personally and professionally.
You've earned the right to both career success and
a fulfilling life.
This newsletter is intended to help you create a
satisfying life -- within, or outside of -- legal practice.
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1. WELCOME NEW SUBSCRIBERS
"Beyond the Billable Hour" ™ now has more than 1000
subscribers from throughout the USA, Canada, the UK,
Australia, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Italy, Greece and Romania.
Work settings of subscribers include private practice
in firms of all sizes, corporations, trade associations,
government, the judiciary and education.
We welcome all of our new subscribers and thank our
returning readers for your loyalty.
LawyersLifeCoach.com is always working to create a
community of attorneys committed to finding ways to
create professional excellence in humane workplaces
that respect the importance of life outside of work.
Please continue to send us strategies that have worked
for you so we can share these with others in the
LawyersLifeCoach.com community. We always welcome your
feedback, comments, suggestions and questions.
THANK YOU!
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2. EMPATHY: The Essential Skill for
Professional Success (and a Fulfilling Life)
"How we are perceived as human beings is becoming
increasingly important in the new economy. There
was a time when people could sit back and play
head games behind closed doors. There was a time
when people who were unsympathetic, mean-spirited,
or unkind could feel secure knowing little could
be done about it. The new economy doesn't allow
for this."
Tim Sanders - "Love is the Killer App"
New York: Crown Business, 2002, p.18
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
Empathy refers to the process of sharing in another
person's thoughts and feelings in an effort to
understand them. Basically, it's the ability to
put yourself in someone else's shoes and see things
from his or her perspective.
Although you may think of empathy as something that
therapists practice, the fact is that the most
successful attorneys have well-developed empathic
abilities.
A lawyer who can empathize with prospects or clients
will succeed at getting their business, loyalty and
referrals.
An attorney in a management role who can empathize
with subordinates will elicit commitment, careful
quality work and productivity.
An associate will get more mentoring and will be
in a far better position to influence her future
in her workplace if she can empathize with more
senior lawyers.
A lawyer negotiating balanced hours will get
more support from management if she can empathize
with their concerns.
An Example:
Imagine you're looking for child care for your
baby. The first potential au pair tells you
all about what kind of a person she is, what
she likes to do with children, her approach to
discipline, how long she thinks you should let
a baby cry and how often you should feed him.
The second interviewee asks you what you're
looking for in a child care provider. She
is interested in your ideas about how often
your baby should be fed, whether you want her
held immediately when she cries, what concerns
you have about leaving your child, what kind
of play and stimulation you think your baby
needs and what she can do to give you peace of
mind when you're at work.
Assuming both candidates have equal training and
experience, whom would you hire?
Although the point seems self-evident in this
context, I'm often surprised when lawyers fail to
see the relevance of empathy to their own
professional success.
THE ELEMENTS OF EMPATHY:
1. SELF-AWARENESS
In order to be able to effectively attend to
others, you need to be aware of yourself.
This is because self-regulation is required
for empathy and you can't regulate what you're
unaware of.
It's essential to have a deep understanding of
your own values, motives, strengths and
limitations. It's not always easy to be
honest with yourself, but it's necessary
if you want to be interpersonally effective.
Realistically appraise yourself without being
overly self-critical. Ask others for feedback.
The knowledge of how others perceive you is
a powerful tool.
Monitor yourself; pay attention to your feelings,
actions and intentions. Observe the impact of
your actions on others.
Ideally, you want to be able to choose when
others will perceive you as tough or
collaborative or compassionate. But in order
to do this you need to know how you feel inside
when you behave in a particular way, and how
others react to you when you're having
that experience. Once you can listen to your
own gut reactions you can decide what to do
with them - what to talk about directly, when
to calm down before you discuss things, when
you need a break and when you need to assert
yourself.
Self-awareness is also critical for empathy since
we tend to perceive others through the filter of
our own needs, fears, expectations and hopes.
Being aware of what we expect to hear or are
afraid of hearing enables us to attend beyond
the filter - to try to hear what's really being
communicated.
2. SELF-MANAGEMENT
The ability to manage our own emotions is
essential for the kind of interpersonal
effectiveness required for success in the law.
Although litigators are typically keenly
aware of this in the courtroom, lawyers often
forget to develop and use self-management skills
when it comes to business development, managing
subordinates or "managing up."
As difficult as it is to manage disturbing
feelings, it's equally empowering to
use this skill. Imagine, for example, feeling
provoked by a young associate who has failed
to correctly complete a task you desperately
needed in order to be prepared for a deposition.
Awareness - and management of - your frustration
and anger can keep you from exploding. You'll
be able to think clearly about solutions
rather than focusing on fault. How you
respond to the associate will influence
what he learns from the situation as well
as the reputation you develop both within
your organization and outside of it.
If you're the associate in this situation,
self-management is equally important.
First of all, the ability to manage your
anxiety and your workload might have allowed
you to complete your assignment on time.
Self-awareness might have enabled you to ask
for help when you needed it. And when you
make a mistake, self-management is the most
important skill you'll need for managing
the partner who is angry at you. You'll be
able to respond to appropriately expressed
disappointment and constructive criticism
non-defensively. And if the anger is
expressed destructively, you'll be able to
maintain sufficient calm to handle the
interaction in a manner that maintains your
self-respect.
3. CAREFUL LISTENING AND COMMUNICATING
UNDERSTANDING
The ability to grasp the perspective of the
other person can make you tremendously
effective as an attorney. If you're under
pressure to develop business and you hate
the idea of "sales," then recognizing the
importance of empathy in client development
may turn you into a rainmaker.
Clients don't like sales pitches any more than
you do. They don't want to hear why you're
great and what you can do. They want you to
listen to them - to understand their business or
personal problem, to hear their concerns, to
deeply comprehend their goals. Only then will
they be open to hearing the solutions you have to
offer.
Listening deeply and compassionately - not just
to the words but to the emotional message - gives
you the power to respond to the real issue at
hand.
Suppose you're trying to negotiate a balanced
hours schedule with your employer. You can
talk *ad nauseum* about why the firm should do
this for you. But chances are that this approach
won't get you more than a reputation for being
"entitled." Although my own view is that
we're all entitled to do work we love without
sacrificing our lives, you're more likely to
actually achieve this if you make every effort
to understand the firm's concerns. Perhaps
the partners believe that certain work cannot be
completed on a reduced hours schedule, or
that asking to reduce your hours indicates
a lack of commitment to your career, or that
your clients won't feel served by attorneys
who aren't available 24/7. Once you look at
the issue from their perspective, you're in
a much stronger position to tailor your
proposal to their concerns and to address how
you'll be able to complete your assignments
within the hours you plan to work.
Listening carefully and observing accurately
will make you more successful in most everything
you do as an attorney. It's worth the hard
work of asking yourself, "What am I feeling?"
"Am I open to hearing what the other person is
saying?" "Why is this person taking this
position?" "What might have happened to lead her
to think this way?"
WHAT EMPATHY EARNS YOU:
The single most important thing you can earn
by being empathic is trust. When a client
knows that you truly understand his situation,
he's more likely to trust your advice. A client
who trusts you will work collaboratively with you.
It will be easier to get information you need.
Your billing is less likely to be questioned.
The client will give you new business and refer
others to you.
Showing understanding earns you the right to
be heard. When people feel that you've really
listened to them, they're far more likely to
be open to listening to you. This means you'll
have more influence. It's easy to forget that
quietly listening now will give you much more
leverage in the future. That's why you need
good self-management skills. These will enable
you to listen carefully first rather than
launching into stating your case or explaining
what you know.
In today's competitive marketplace, being an
empathic listener will make you distinctive.
Prospects remember lawyers who listened to their
questions before they provided answers. The
trust you engender with empathy creates loyalty
and commitment - and buys you forgiveness when
you've made a mistake. People who know you really
understand and care about their situation and
perspective will give you greater latitude.
And best of all, the cooperative, committed,
loyal relationships you develop with your empathic
skills will make going to work a lot more fun.
DEVELOPING SELF-AWARENESS, SELF-MANAGEMENT AND
EMPATHY SKILLS:
In case your self-assessment tells you that
your empathy skills could use some fine-
tuning, the good news is that these skills
can be learned. If you can't find a good
mentor and model, consider hiring a professional
coach.
And if you already have excellent empathy skills,
stop thinking that you're just a nice person.
These are professional skills that deserve
recognition and reward. An empathic attorney
is likely to be effective with diverse groups
of people and with individuals from other
cultures. This is a tremendous advantage in
today's marketplace. Don't let others take
your skills for granted by chalking them up to
"niceness." Your relationship skills add
enormous value to your firm. Imagine what
the organization might be like without you.
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3. NEW VIRTUAL COACHING GROUPS FORMING
LawyersLifeCoach.com will be offering several new coaching
groups beginning this spring.
We'd like to offer them at times that match the schedules
of those interested in attending. So, if you're interested
in one of the groups below please send an email to
Ellen@lawyerslifecoach.com with the name of the group
in the subject line. In the body of the email, please
indicate your preferred times and any suggestions or questions.
All you need to participate in a virtual coaching group
is a telephone. All group members call into the same
teleconferencing line and are instantly connected.
It's a wonderful way to connect with other attorneys
facing similar challenges and benefit from the collective
wisdom and experience of lawyers from diverse geographic
locations.
WOMEN PARTNERS - STRATEGIC PLANNING FOR YOUR CAREER
AND YOUR LIFE
Our first "Women Partners" group was a great success so
we've decided to invite new members to join some of the
women partners who participated in our initial six-
session group. This group is an opportunity to join in
an ongoing forum to discuss the unique issues facing women
partners in law firms. Topics will include:
* work/life balance
* business development
* coping with a majority male organization
* negotiating with in-house attorneys who only want to work
with men
* increasing your influence
* serving on management and other powerful committees
* negotiating reduced hours schedules
* developing leadership skills
* managing teams
* mentoring women associates
* getting control of your practice and your life
This group will meet twice/month and each meeting will
last one hour.
Fee: $129/month
CORPORATE COUNSEL - BALANCING WORK AND LIFE
Working in-house no longer means you'll have a reasonable
schedule simply because you're not working "billable hours."
Women in-house counsel face significant challenges
balancing work and life and their professional futures
depend upon the ability to successfully navigate
their way between multiple demands.
This group will meet once/month for six months and
each meeting will last one hour.
Fee: $299 for all six meetings
MARKETING FOR WOMEN LAWYERS
The response to this in-person seminar has been so
enthusiastic that we've decided to offer it exclusively
to subscribers of "Beyond the Billable Hour" (tm) via
a virtual coaching group.
This group will meet twice/month for eight meetings
and each meeting will last one hour.
Learn how to effectively market your services without
sacrificing your personal life - or your self-respect.
Fee: $399 for all eight meetings
MID-LEVEL ASSOCIATES - WHAT'S NEXT?
Many associates, especially in large firms, reach
an important decision point after a few years at their
firm. You've paid off much of your law school debt but
you're used to living on this salary. How do you decide
whether to stay at the firm or look elsewhere? How
do you assess your chances of making partner - or
decide if you want to make partner where you are?
How much of your personal life have you sacrificed
to get here - and how much are you willing to give
up in the years ahead?
This group will address these and related issues in
six once/month meetings and each meeting will last
one hour.
Fee: $299 for all six meetings
DEVELOP YOUR ESSENTIAL EMPATHY SKILLS
Learn the skills of self-awareness, self-management
and empathy. This is an opportunity to practice
and develop these skills and to learn when to
use them most effectively.
This group will meet for four consecutive weeks
for one hour/week.
Fee: $199 for all four meetings
Additional information about each of these groups
will be sent to everyone on our mailing list.
Please let us know about your interest and time preferences.
Send email to Ellen@lawyerslifecoach.com or call
Ellen at 301-578-8686.
Please forward this issue to anyone you think might
be interested in these virtual coaching groups.
They can subscribe to "Beyond the Billable Hour" ™ at
http://lawyerslifecoach.com
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BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ is published monthly by
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D., founder of LawyersLifeCoach.com.
She brings 20 years of experience assisting women
attorneys to her work in Lawyers Life Coach ™.
LawyersLifeCoach.com is a professional and personal
coaching firm specializing in working virtually (by
phone with email and fax backup) with women attorneys
interested in developing strategies to find greater
satisfaction in their careers within the law or
in exploring career alternatives for lawyers.
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D. established Lawyerslifecoach.com
to coach busy lawyers who might benefit from the
insights gained from 20 years as a psychologist
combined with her experience and familiarity with
the legal profession.
Ellen holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
from the University of Rochester and is a managing
member of Metropolitan Behavioral Health Care, LLC.,
a multispecialty, multidisciplinary psychotherapy
practice in Washington, D.C. and suburban Maryland.
She is a member of the International Coach Federation
and a graduate of the Mentor Coach Program ™.
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NOTE: BEYOND THE BILLABLE HOUR ™ is intended
for informational and educational purposes only.
It is not a substitute for a personal consultation
with a mental health professional and should not
be construed as a form of, or substitute for,
counseling, psychotherapy, or other psychological
service.
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CONTACT INFORMATION
Ellen Ostrow, Ph.D.
LawyersLifeCoach.com
Phone: (301) 578-8686
email: Ellen@LawyersLifeCoach.com
Web: http://LawyersLifeCoach.com
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(c)Copyright 1998 - 2007 Ellen Ostrow. All rights reserved.
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